When bitcoin bros talk hard news

The crypto bros are a smart bunch. They know a thing or two about cryptography; they know how money is moved electronically across the world; and they know more than most about multiple interlocking positive feedback loops. But more than anything else, they know how to spin a “this is good for crypto” story when they see one. 

In our inbox this week, for example, an email with the subject line: “BoJo helps Bitcoin rediscover its mojo”, in which we’re presented with some incisive commentary from Nicholas Gregory, CEO of crypto outfit CommerceBlock, in the form of a list of short, punchy, copy-and-pastable, already-quotation-marked remarks.

We prefer using quotations that we’ve got from actual conversations, so we imagine that we are in conversation with Mr Gregory. 

“It’s no coincidence that Bitcoin has risen as the Pound has gone south.”

Umm, OK, but surely it is thevery definition of a coincidence, sir? The UK only makes up a small fraction of the global bitcoin trade and FX is a zero-sum game: when the pound goes south, other currencies go north on a comparative basis. And thepound has rebounded by almost 3 per cent since you sent that email on Tuesday, while bitcoin has also risen. The correlation you allude to appears to have broken down remarkably quickly. Could you explain? 

“BoJo has helped Bitcoin rediscover its mojo.”

Ah, well you didn’t answer my first question but I’ll let it go. Could you elaborate on this one perhaps? The punchy quotes are nice but I don’t seem to be able to understand what on earth you are are talking about? What has BoJo got to do with bitcoin? 

“A no-deal Brexit, which is looking increasingly likely, could trigger a major breakout for the world’s leading cryptocurrency.”

Oof, OK you’ve got me on this one — the thought of any kind of major breakout gets me feeling all excited! But could you explain how this series of events could come about? What’s the logic here because I’m not seeing it? 

“If the UK leaves the EU on Halloween, Bitcoin could not just surge but gain a longer term, more sustainable momentum.”

Ah right. So is this a Halloween thing? A surge AND sustainable momentum, you say? Wow. What would sustain it?

“The prospect of no-deal is already wreaking havoc across major fiat currencies, but if it happens we could see an unprecedented rally in Bitcoin with a surge past $20,000 a real possibility.”

I don’t meant to repeat myself, but I must make sure you realise that fiat currencies are a zero-sum game. If the prospect of a no-deal Brexit is wreaking havoc across some major fiat currencies, it will be doing the exact opposite to other major fiat currencies. So what you’re saying doesn’t actually make sense. And whence, pray tell, did the $20,000 figure come from? 

“An increasingly populist and politically unstable world is cementing the safe haven status of Bitcoin and cryptocurrencies more generally.”

Ah, we’re back to the old idea that cryptocurrencies, those famously stable and un-hackable strings of 1s and 0s, are a safe haven. OK fine I give up now bye. 

By Thursday, it was time for the crypto bros to have another stab at making some news waves. It came on the back of this tweet from Bloomberg cybersecurity reporter William Turton. 

It’s a tweet about the US’s National Security Agency (NSA), which Turton reports is working on building quantum resistantcryptography— i.e., code containing algorithms that are resistant to attacks fromquantum computers. 

But within a matter of hours, the tweet had turned into a quite different story in Forbes. The article has unfortunately since been deleted, but Turton did manage to get a screenshot of the story: “NASA to develop a quantum resistant cryptocurrency”. 

Yes, NASA. The National Aeronautics and Space Administration. Because sending humans to Mars and defending the planet from asteroids is kind of cool and all, but crypto!

To be fair to the bros, crypto is these days more often used as an abbreviation for crytoliabilitiesassets than for cryptography, to the chagrin of cryptographers worldwide. The second-most common use of the abbreviation is probably the faecal parasite known as cryptosporidium. So you can’t blame them for getting confused. 

But it does seem a little hasty to have written a whole news article, which was then followed by other crypto outlets, on the basis of a sentence of fewer than 260 characters that someone had somehow managed to misinterpret in two different ways.

You could try to make this stuff up. But if you did, it wouldn’t be nearlyas good. 

Related links:
When bitcoin bros talk cryptography — FT Alphaville
When bitcoin bros talk finance — FT Alphaville